This Is How Internal Conflict Fuels Anxiety & How To Find Relief

Sheila was raised to be a “good girl.”

To her that meant always being kind, helpful, and forgiving. For example, even when she was exhausted, she’d make daily dutiful calls or visits to ailing friends and family. She could never prioritize herself. The guilt was too unbearable.

Sheila felt anxious most of the time. She recognized her anxiety by a low level vibration that she felt throughout her body and a persistent knot in her stomach.

In our first session, I taught Sheila how to deep belly breathe to help calm the anxiety so we could find the emotions and conflicts that lay underneath. I explicitly invited Sheila to slow down to connect with her body.

“Just notice the shaky feeling inside without judging it or trying to change it. Try to approach yourself with a compassionate and curious stance,” I advised. “I’m calming down,” she reported, which didn’t surprise me.

Although it seems counter-intuitive, paying attention to anxiety in your body tends to calm it.

“As the anxiety decreases, what do you notice comes up?” I asked.

“I am so tired of doing things for other people,” she said. “But, I feel like it is the right thing to do.”

“I hear a part of you needs a break from doing things for others; and another part of you feels like caring for others, even at the expense of yourself, is the right thing to do. Is that right?” I asked.

“YES!” she said emphatically nodding excitedly, appreciating being heard and validated.

“That’s quite a conflict” I confirmed.

Inner Conflict Can Cause Anxiety

When I met Sheila, she was not explicitly aware of having a conflict, per se. She just knew that she felt the gnawing discomfort of anxiety.

Conflicts can be conscious or completely out of your awareness. You can use anxiety as a signal to check for conflicts you may be experiencing. Once you identify both sides of the conflict, you will feel better because the mind and body relaxes when you understand yourself. And once you identify the conflict, you can take steps to help yourself.

If the conflict can’t be reconciled, you can at least decide on a “good enough” compromise to help minimize anxiety.

Common Conflicts that You May Not Be Aware Of

• I have work (or anything) to do, but I am not in the mood.
• I’m jealous of you, but I like you.
• I want to leave, but I fear being alone.
• I feel angry, but being angry is bad.
• I want to travel (or substitute anything here), but I am afraid.
• I feel sad but that means I am weak.

And, remember Sheila’s example. She said, “I’m so tired of doing things for other people, but I feel like it’s the right thing to do.”

Tips for Naming Conflicts and Minimizing Anxiety 

See how the above conflicts that people express have the word “but” between each side of the conflict? Replacing the word “but” with the word “and” allows you to honor and validate both sentiments equally. That simple act can help your mind, body, and brain feel calmer.

For example, Sheila reframed her conflict to:

“I am so tired of doing things for other people, and I feel like it is the right thing to do.”

Now the goal becomes to get to know both sides of this conflict. I asked her to share more about the part of her that was tired and what that part of her needed.

“I need a vacation from care taking!” she said.

Then I asked her to speak from the other part of her, that part that felt too guilty to prioritize her own health and wellbeing.

“I can’t bear the guilt I would feel if I didn’t do it,” she lamented.

Lastly, we explored two other important aspects of this conflict:

1. Where she learned that it’s not OK not to prioritize herself. This inquiry shed light on the subjective nature of caretaking. She connected her experience with generations of women in her family that toiled endlessly at the expense of themselves. We discussed the consequences both on these women and on the family members around them.
2. The actual feeling of guilt and how she experienced it physically. This exploration helped detoxify guilt so she could better withstand it. As a result, she wouldn’t have to avoid this emotion despite how uncomfortable it felt in her body. She practiced identifying it and tolerating it for longer  periods of time until she built the strength that helped her make new and more balanced choices.

A Meditation for Reducing Guilt

Sheila was able to set new goals for herself and learned to listen to her body’s stress. She monitored her stress level daily on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the most stress she ever felt and one being calm. If on any particular day, her stress exceeded level six, she would prioritize herself until her level decreased to a level four or below. Sheila knew, from experience, that both her mental and physical health were at stake.

To further resolve the conflict and accompanying anxiety, Sheila and I discussed strategies to tolerate the guilty feelings that she knew would inevitably arise. She used mindful awareness to notice the guilt in her body and, then, she practiced positive self-talk and self-compassion to calm the guilt.

Here’s a mindfulness meditation you can try yourself for soothing guilt.

Conflicts are a part of life.

Next time you feel anxious, consider the idea that you might be in conflict about something.

Then with a combination of “listening” to the anxiety in your body, and thinking about what may be putting you into conflict, try to articulate your conflict. Get to know both sides without having to reconcile the conflict yet. Just by listening to both sides of a conflict, you can often come up with solutions. Many times,  merely becoming aware of and accepting of a difficult conflict will ease anxiety.

You can experiment with the various tools and practices above and see which ones help you.