You Can Rewire Your Brain For LoveDid you know that a large part of how we respond to the world, interact in relationships, think of and talk to ourselves is determined by shadows from our past?  These shadows, or implicit memories, which are below conscious awareness, cannot be directly measured or retrieved yet are very real and can prevent healthy relationships, achieving goals, and happiness.

In her book, Rewire Your Brain for Love: Creating Vibrant Relationships Using the Science of Mindfulness, Marsha Lucas, PhD, neuropsychologist, psychotherapist, and self-described neuroscience geek, calls implicit memories the “unthought known” and labels them the “unconscious effects of your past experiences.” Implicit memories are the nonverbal recordings formed when the hippocampus, in the brain, is not online to contextualize and organize the information.  She writes:

These memories got quickly and permanently stored, even though you don’t have conscious awareness of them as memories – they’re just kind of “in there,” informing and influencing you without any kind of time stamp,  and without your being aware of their influence.”

All Early Memories Are Implicit

All memories before about eighteen months old get processed implicitly because the brain simply isn’t developed enough to do anything else. Most memories before the age of around five are also implicit because forming explicit memories, the ones you can consciously retrieve, requires focused attention. This means that your little brain formed its earliest impressions of the world from experiences with your primary caregivers and deeply stored these implicit memories because your life, literally, depended on it.

These interactions were hugely influential in making you “you” and determining your relationship style as well as social and emotional behaviors as an adult.  Many later experiences, when you weren’t paying attention or when your hippocampus was offline for any reason, such as when extremely emotional or under the influence of some medications or alcohol, also formed implicit memories. Lucas writes:

When an implicit memory gets called up in the here and now, you won’t know it’s a memory – you’ll  just experience it through emotions, behaviors, and (in all likelihood) body sensations as well, such as a tightness in the throat or the pressure of tears coming to your eyes.”  

You Can Alter the Negative Effects of Memories with Mindfulness

While you’ll express the effects of these memories in the now and probably attribute the feeling to something happening in the present, you’re really being influenced by a shadow from the past. As Lucas conveys, neuroscience has proven that you can step out of the shadows, change your brain, and alter the negative effects of these implicit memories.

The good news, though, is that you can rewire your brain for better relationships.  You can change your old “relationship brain” neural pathways and develop new and improved ones using simple, 2,500-year-old mind training techniques that are more precise than a neurosurgeon’s blade and without all the mess.  The ancient practice of mindfulness meditation, as it turns out, produces real, measurable changes in the brain in key places so that deeper connections, better love, and healthier relationships can take hold.

In as little as 20 minutes a day.”

The book outlines specific mindfulness practices and meditations to transform your brain to communicate with more love, build emotional resilience, reduce reactivity, and even have better sex!

Further reading:

Everything Your Brain Needs to Know About Mindfulness

Mindfulness has become a scientifically-validated first-line treatment for many mental health conditions. What is it, how does it work, and how do you do it? Read more

How to Change Your Habits One Mindful Moment at a Time

By taking a mindful pause and switching the part of your brain that’s in control, you can exert free will and change your habits and brain patterns in time. Read more

What Mindfulness Looks Like in Your Brain

Through neuroplasticity and mindfulness, you can develop skills and change brain operation and activation for more happiness and better mental health. Read more


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  1. Rewire your brain for love sounds like a great book Debbie. It seems that all our experiences are being held in our memory and they often inhibit us in certain situations.

    It would be great to respect any negative experiences we had, but not let them hold us back in the now.

    • Debbie Hampton Reply

      I suppose that it works the other way too. Good implicit memories that we are not conscious of could help us, but we don’t need to do anything about those, huh? I find it so empowering to know that we can change our brains and put them top work for us in relationships and other situations. Goodness knows, mine used to work against me!

  2. Very informative book review! Are you familiar with EFT tapping? I’ve found it can be a powerful tool to release implicit patterns of reactivity.

  3. Debbie Hampton Reply

    Linda, I feel honored if you found the post informative because you are so well educated on all things brain!

    I do know of EFT, but have not practiced it with some awareness. I went to an energy/spiritual healer right after the brain injury for some time. He led me through EFT exercises, but, at the time, I didn’t really know what I was doing or have much faith in it.

    My altered, unaware brain thought it was weird. I understand that it uses the same meridians as acupuncture and is has a solid basis. I would like to try it in the future. Thanks for the suggestion.

  4. Judy M. Hampton Reply

    My respect for how you have reinvented yourself grows each time I read your blogs! What hard work you put in but look at the results and improvement you have achieved. Well done. Love, Mom

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  13. Sounds like a great read Debbie. I know from personal experiences how much our subconscious mind is operating in our lives whether we’re aware of it or not. It makes perfect sense that we can do a little reprogramming for greater love, health or whatever the desire is.

  14. Loving this review and this mindfulness practice. I’m all for deeper meaningful relationships, and how wonderful that meditation can help us do all that. More love to all!

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